The Ten Commandments of Marriage -- by Ed Young
1. Thou shalt not be a selfish pig. The enemy of any relationship is selfishness. The opposite of selfishness is love. A good description of love: when the welfare and satisfaction of another person comes to means as much to me as my own.
2. Thou shalt cut the apron strings. When a wedding takes place in a church, another hidden ceremony occurs. In it, the groom unconsciously switches over to his bride the qualities and faults of his mother—and hereafter expects to find them in his bride. The bride switches over to the groom the qualities and faults of her dad. The ideal happens when each recognizes the expectations they’ve created, cuts loose from them and comes to know the uniqueness of their own spouse.
3. Thou shalt continually communicate. Unless we are fully known, we cannot be fully loved. And how else do we become known, down to our very core, unless we let our spouse know of our fears, hopes, dreams, anxieties, and insufficiencies. We’re usually afraid to do for fear of rejection. But the risk is worth taking. It’s the only way to be loved the way our heart wants to be loved.
4. Thou shalt make conflict thy ally. Disagreements are not sought. When they occur, they are opportunities to communicate, understand, compromise, and solidify the relationship. The absence of all conflict demonstrates that either the relationship isn’t important enough to struggle for, or that both individuals are too insecure to risk disagreement.
5. Thou shalt avoid the quicksand of debt. Money can become a bone of contention, an instrument of power, an expression of selfishness, and a destroyer of important realities. Prudent spending flows from mutually set priorities and a responsible maturity.
6. Thou shalt flee sexual temptations—online and otherwise. Sexual pleasure is wonderful, but it speaks of spiritual and personal realities far more profound than feeling good. A mature and growing love relationship always includes an element of exclusivity. The language of sex is directed solely to my spouse.
7. Thou shalt forgive your mate 490 times. The 490 number comes from the biblical encouragement to forgive not only seven times, but “seventy times seven.” One of the primary benefits of marriage is to teach us fallible humans how to forgive. Forgiveness is a manifestation of love.
8. Thou shalt keep the home fires burning. Building a good marriage and building a good fire are similar. At first, the paper and kindling make a brilliant blaze. Then the blaze dies down and you wonder if the fire will fizzle out and leave you in the dark. You blow on it and fan it for all you’re worth. Sometimes it smokes and brings tears to your eyes. But if the materials are good and you invest enough time, energy, and interest, the logs catch and the fire goes on and on.
9. Thou shalt begin again and again. Nothing in this world that is worthwhile occurs suddenly. The closeness and love we yearn for doesn’t happen quickly. If we stumble on the way, we must get up and “go for it” again and again.
10. Thou shalt both make peace with change. We stay married by making peace with what can’t be changed. We also stay married by adapting to change, to the changes that—with or without our consent—occur in us, in our spouse, and in our marriage. Spontaneity, creativity, and freshness become interwoven with flexibility, adaptation and acceptance.
1. Thou shalt not be a selfish pig. The enemy of any relationship is selfishness. The opposite of selfishness is love. A good description of love: when the welfare and satisfaction of another person comes to means as much to me as my own.
2. Thou shalt cut the apron strings. When a wedding takes place in a church, another hidden ceremony occurs. In it, the groom unconsciously switches over to his bride the qualities and faults of his mother—and hereafter expects to find them in his bride. The bride switches over to the groom the qualities and faults of her dad. The ideal happens when each recognizes the expectations they’ve created, cuts loose from them and comes to know the uniqueness of their own spouse.
3. Thou shalt continually communicate. Unless we are fully known, we cannot be fully loved. And how else do we become known, down to our very core, unless we let our spouse know of our fears, hopes, dreams, anxieties, and insufficiencies. We’re usually afraid to do for fear of rejection. But the risk is worth taking. It’s the only way to be loved the way our heart wants to be loved.
4. Thou shalt make conflict thy ally. Disagreements are not sought. When they occur, they are opportunities to communicate, understand, compromise, and solidify the relationship. The absence of all conflict demonstrates that either the relationship isn’t important enough to struggle for, or that both individuals are too insecure to risk disagreement.
5. Thou shalt avoid the quicksand of debt. Money can become a bone of contention, an instrument of power, an expression of selfishness, and a destroyer of important realities. Prudent spending flows from mutually set priorities and a responsible maturity.
6. Thou shalt flee sexual temptations—online and otherwise. Sexual pleasure is wonderful, but it speaks of spiritual and personal realities far more profound than feeling good. A mature and growing love relationship always includes an element of exclusivity. The language of sex is directed solely to my spouse.
7. Thou shalt forgive your mate 490 times. The 490 number comes from the biblical encouragement to forgive not only seven times, but “seventy times seven.” One of the primary benefits of marriage is to teach us fallible humans how to forgive. Forgiveness is a manifestation of love.
8. Thou shalt keep the home fires burning. Building a good marriage and building a good fire are similar. At first, the paper and kindling make a brilliant blaze. Then the blaze dies down and you wonder if the fire will fizzle out and leave you in the dark. You blow on it and fan it for all you’re worth. Sometimes it smokes and brings tears to your eyes. But if the materials are good and you invest enough time, energy, and interest, the logs catch and the fire goes on and on.
9. Thou shalt begin again and again. Nothing in this world that is worthwhile occurs suddenly. The closeness and love we yearn for doesn’t happen quickly. If we stumble on the way, we must get up and “go for it” again and again.
10. Thou shalt both make peace with change. We stay married by making peace with what can’t be changed. We also stay married by adapting to change, to the changes that—with or without our consent—occur in us, in our spouse, and in our marriage. Spontaneity, creativity, and freshness become interwoven with flexibility, adaptation and acceptance.
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